so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
