I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
