Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
