stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
