If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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