My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
