im having a threesome with these popsicles
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
