She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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