yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
