so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
