Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We are all done wearing pants today
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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