Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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