Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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