Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
