She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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