Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
