dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
