just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
