arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
