I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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