Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
