I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
