he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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