Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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