I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
