dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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