Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
