Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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