I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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