Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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