I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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