no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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