okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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