Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Randomize
