we have officially lost it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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