like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
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I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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