I wish I only lived at night.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I need to calm my uterus...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
