i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
