mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
