Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
