I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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