I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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