I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
