She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
