My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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