YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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