I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
