If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
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I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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