If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
