she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
