Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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