I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
