i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've changed since you got that strap on
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
