hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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