oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
high people should be assigned attendants
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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