new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
