I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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